Trabajo-

Al fin!

I got a new job! It's not what I expected.

I mean I am happy.

I am thrilled to start somthing fresh and new...

but at the same time..

I am completely scared.

The What If's have begun to consume me!

Gold Mine Gutted

"when the smoke came out our mouths

on all those hooded sweatshirt walks

you were a stroke of luck

we were a goldmine and they gutted us"

(I have heard this song overr and over again, I can't seem to stray away from it... and the lyrics above are what gets me the most!)

Someone said...

Someone in a blog said that we only let people see what we want them to see. This is too true. I have found that some of my closest freinds, don't really know me. Its not their fault. I just don't tell much. It's not that I don't want to... its just I guess I don't want to go into detail. It's wierd. I can bare everything, when I write... but when it comes to talking... my feelings, my thoughts, everything gets burried. To tell you...I have never cried in front of a friend. I have only cried when I am alone.

I have had a .....BLAH....... day.
I found out one of the jobs I really wanted...does not want me!

Rejection! EGH...

Its interesting, though.

Had I known this last week, I would have not given it too much thought and moved on...

Today... Today was a different story.
I cried... I wept...
I don't know why... but I just kept weeping. Like a little girl... I felt so weak! I didn't like it! I kept thinking... "I'm being foolish" "What the fuck is wrong with me?"... I knew it wasnt the job... but I still cried!

Re-Evaluation

Ahhh... let's see, it has been a very long time... too long if you ask me... and I apologize for that... But life has definitely thrown a few curve balls at me... with work, school, and my personal life. Nothing I can't handle... for now at least... but we'll see..

Ok so let me start by pointing out something that has been on my mind for the past couple of days... have you ever had a moment where someone points out a characteristic of you, something about yourself that you don't like... and you completely deny it, because you think... "THAT... cannot possibly be me"... but then a few days later, maybe even weeks... or sometimes years later... you come across a situation that points out... or even proves.. that YOU were in fact wrong...and that the person, was actually right? It is just an interesting moment... it's one of those moments that shakes your core.. and makes you re-evaluate....... YOU........

Feuuuuu!

Ok so after two weeks of no internet... (EEK) I finally got it fixed... well technically... my brother fixed it (What are big bros for right). Anyway... the sad part is that he had to take my Picaso and Hello out in order for it to function normally... how sad!

Euphoria

I am LOVING this song...

And you can come back again and again
but you cant no you cant
no you just cant hurt me any more...

Ahhhhh

Thank You

BPS... my GPS of music!

For always knowing where to lead me...

In the road of Music.

And for always, giving me,

A little light... in my day!

Quiet Desperation

Can't be quiet anymore..

Henry David Thoreau wrote:
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

I think... maybe my desperation can't be quiet any more...

I've been feeling really low this week... not sure why...
I sometimes feel like I am alone...

I don't know how to describe it,

besides that I wan't to crawl into a whole and stay there...

until I am ready to come out....

I hope this will be done with soon...

dirt road in Guatemala

I'm In It

Ever notice we are getting older?
Ever notice... we are no longer kids...

I had a revelation this weekend. As I was at a BBQ I was surrounded by many children, running, playing, all having fun and being so...

It made me think.
I want to be a kid again.
I had a pretty good childhood...
I had tons of freedom, and tons of family around.

Let me give you an insight.

I grew up mainly in California, spending one year of my life (that I can remember) in Guatemala. Let me start with CA. We lived in a triplex (three houses on a lot) an aunt and uncle in the back house, my grandparents, mother and siblings in the middle house, and another aunt and uncle and a couple more cousins in the front house. We spent the mojority of our evenings rollerskating, on our skate boards or on the big wheels pushing each other (mind you there were about 9 kids between the ages of 8 and 15 plus neighbors) to see how fast we could get the other to go down the drive way. Summer evenings, we spent playing hiding go seek, or on our bikes outside till it was so dark we couldnt see the sidewalk very well. Those were great nights....
In Guatemala... the one year I spent was great. So much more freedom than in CA (if you can beleive that). We lived in a small town with dirt roads and only one paved road. We had a small candy store located diaganolly from our home, and when it rained... the puddles were so awesome... let me just say... the sidewalks werent 3ft high for no reason!
Well my dad (because my parents were still together at the time) set us (my siblings and I) up with a tab at the little candy store... needless to say... we LOVED that! It was such great times... we spent our evenings playing freeze tag and made sure we wore dark colors so we could hide and blend in with the bushes, when someone from the opposite team came near... that was my idea (and it worked). On the weekends... we used to round up like 20 plus kids... and (get this) 10 or so adults and play freeze tag.. the best games where when we would play against the adults... they were so slow...

(for those of you who have seen Garden State- I am "in it" right now!)